Am I the only atheist who doesn't care if religious people don't want to date me?

Look.. if someone didn't want to date black people because they were black or a bi person because they were bi that's one thing.. you're discriminating based on how the person was born. If you refuse to date a black person even if you love everything else about them, love their personality and find them attractive.. then you're just racist. If you don't want to date someone who has a fundamentally different system of beliefs and ethics which is incredibly important to you.. then of course you want to find someone with similar views! Some people don't mind- they don't tend to be the activist sort... but if you don't want to date a bigot because their ethics are fundamentally different from yours then that's fine! (of course the bigot is usually the religious person not the atheist, but it's just for making a point).  If being for women's rights is incredibly important to you then who would blame you for not dating a misogynist? If animal rights if your thing then who could blame you for not dating a hunter? All of these things go in the other direction too.. i'm sure a hunter wouldn't want to date an animal rights activist.. that's completely understandable. Relationships are hard enough without having to deal with a person's beliefs which cause you emotional turmoil. I don't get the big deal or why atheists tend to complain that religious people won't date them...  deep seated personality conflicts probably means it wouldn't work out anyway.  Find someone more apathetic if you are as well or find someone with whom you mesh on basic ethics and beliefs.

Traveling Vegan- a rough trip to PA

We weren't expecting to have to leave town. I was getting ready to go see a friend whom I hadn't seen for years and then, the next day, to head to a meetup with a local vegan group at the best (and only) vegetarian/vegan restaurant in town. A busy but nice weekend. Then, Friday, my husband emailed me from work. His grandfather had had a heart attack and it was bad enough that we had to go up immediately. Open heart surgery was too risky and all 3 of his valves were blocked. Even now only one is working. We only had a couple of hours to get ready before bed including explaining to our four and a half year old why we were leaving suddenly.

The trip up was long and the only suitable meal for lunch consisted of french fries. Not only do people not realize that vegans exist, but they don't seem to have any idea that food exists that isn't slathered in some kind of awful, unhealthy, animal part. Not that fries are all that healthy.. but they were the only option. Part of it was the timing.. we could have stopped in Hagerstown, MD at a veg cafe, but we needed to get into town before visiting hours were over.  I had baked a cake the night before since my sister in law wanted to take my son to a birthday party so that my husband and I could go to the hospital since children weren't allowed. After our visit to see his grandpa we headed back to the birthday party and realized our poor baby couldn't even drink the punch because they put sherbet in it (with milk). He did really well with asking what he could eat and if it was vegan though. I did explain to him that he couldn't eat anything but what we gave him and he understood. Even with it being a last minute thing that I couldn't plan well for, he had a really great time with the other kids.

As well as I get along with my inlaws, I have to say.. it's incredibly stressful being surrounded by non vegans. People who don't get you, who don't get your ethical choices, and treat you like an oddity. Though the adults were pretty used to it, the kids nick named my child "vegan" (original, I know). While my son thought it was fine and was even proud of the badge, I worry that in the future this effect of being singled out just for loving animals will become an issue.  I know that some people at this point say it's bad parenting for making your child different enough to be picked on (he actually hasn't been yet), but they usually fail to realize that doing the right thing sometimes has consequences.. for example, if we lived in a racist or homophobic area I would encourage him to stand up for those civil rights- even if it meant he got picked on.. because letting him be a bigot or letting him watch others get hurt? Just not an option. The fault lies with the bullies and their parents, not in the child who isn't a cookie cutter copy of every other child.

Chambersburg, PA is a dairy town. Smiling cows look down from barns and silos. They're a mix of pasture roaming animals and fenced animals though all of them look somewhat sad, sickly, and thin. We really wanted to take our son to meet some of the cows and see them up close.. just so that he could connect with the animals and have a more personal feeling of ethical obligation to them. To show him- look.. this is the animal and this is why we don't abuse it.

There was almost no place to eat in town but his family insisted we get take out and eat together so we had to get Chinese (the only option unless we wanted fries again). Veggie fried rice and tofu- though the sauce for the tofu was rather bland. Luckily we stopped at a store and got some oatmeal for breakfast and we'd packed our own food to bring from home. Makings for a vegan pizza with daiya, a half of a celebration roast, some vegan cheese slices, and half a pack of veggie dogs. A lot of processed foods all at once, but we knew we wouldn't have time for much else .  I want to stress that it wasn't hard. You know.. being vegan and traveling? It would have been much easier with more planning (and more time) but we made due even on short notice. And there were plenty of grocery stores with fresh fruits and veggies and even vegan junk food... but I do want to point out how very unfriendly society is towards vegans- or really towards health in general. If we stressed health in this country (we like to stress thinness, wealth, and status.. but certainly not health) there would be a lot more vegan options just by default.

My mother in law was planning a get together for the playoff game and kept asking me to come to the kitchen to talk to her. She didn't realize that I kept leaving the kitchen because the smell of the raw chicken was making me absolutely sick. Even being a hardcore 'in your face' vegan I didn't want to completely piss her off in her own home- especially since we were there for a sick relative. I kept trying to covertly cover my nose or conveniently follow the kids into the other room. If you've been away from raw meat for a while and you finally smell it again- it's really incredibly disgusting and sickening. That's completely separate from any ethical parts of the situation.. the smell really is just unbearable.  For veg's who live with omnivores I would guess they're used to it.. but it's been a couple of years since I had to live in the same house with an omni. I realize I have an especially sensitive sense of smell and a sensitive stomach to boot so I hope the rest of you don't have the same issues.

And, finally, we tried to talk to them about a vegan diet- we know they'd never adopt the lifestyle or do it for ethical reasons.. but I think when you're dying it may be a good time to re evaluate your stubbornness on eating unhealthy foods. Considering a vegan diet may actually reverse heart disease it would have been pretty irresponsible of us to not try to push it. After all... Pappy is in heart failure. Honestly... I'm not sure there's enough time for it to help... but it might.. and it's as good a chance as any right now.. I don't want out next trip to be a funeral...

Overall the trip was stressful.. and I mean stressful on top of the original stress of a sick family member. It's hard seeing and hearing about cruelty.. it makes you unbearably sad and frustrated. Doing the right thing isn't always easy.

Let's talk about health

Health has been coming up a lot lately. Not even lately- as every vegan knows every other non vegan you meet accuses you of being in poor health- regardless of their own health, by the way. But me- I get it twice over because not only am I a vegan but I'm a fat vegan. The worst of the worst. I somehow manage to be fat and healthy and that scares the shit out of people. So I'm going to talk about my own health nuttiness and how it applies to my veganism and my weight.

I do consider myself a health nut, but not an extremist (extremists usually don't use actual science or logic). Firstly I'll say that I'm a vegan for animal rights reasons and not for health but the health benefits are a very nice side effect. People equate weight with health when, in reality, a very thin person can do nothing but sit on the couch all day eating pizza and drinking soda and be very unhealthy and a very fat person can eat healthfully and be active and healthy.

The assumption is going to be that the thin person is healthy and that the fat person is not. Why? Because health is a strawman- no one actually cares whether you're healthy or not- they hate you because you're fat and only because you're fat and no one cares if you're healthier than they are. The sentiment that fat people can also be healthy is backed up by many studies which show that poor diet and inactivity lead to health problems- not the addition of extra fat cells in and of themselves. Furthermore, studies show that it's highly unlikely you're going to lose weight and keep it off- and if you are in the 5% who do, you'd better be prepared to literally starve your body into that socially acceptable form. In short, fat people are encouraged and expected to have eating disorders. Studies even show that fat people who restrict their calories experience a psychological consequence which appears in anyone who's starving, fat and thin alike and includes anxiety, fixation on food and intrusive thoughts of eating, depression. This because the body regards their larger weight as the correct weight and fights to return to that weight.

So let's start on health and weight. The myth seems to be that if you eat healthy and exercise then your body will stabilize at a "normal" weight (meaning a socially acceptable ideal). It all seems very simple to a lot of people- energy in and energy out. If you're expending more calories (units of energy) than you're consuming then you will lose weight. They fail to take into account that everyone's body burns at different rates and that different bodies expel those calories differently  including as heat. For many of us whose bodies don't expend the energy as rapidly as someone else (a slower metabolism) then reduction of calories, especially severely, will lead to chronic fatigue, inability to concentrate or focus, irritability and depression, and a basic loss of enjoyment of life (life isn't too fun when you're too tired to even move). More so, as mentioned above, a sustained calorie deficit of 1500 calories or less cause severe psychological and physical effects which can even lead to death (related to the depression usually).

And where do we get this weird notion that you can't be fat and healthy anyway? Correlation- however, as we know, correlation does not equal causation. Did you know that the more ice cream sales there are the more rapes that are reported? From this we could conclude that ice cream sales cause people to rape others. Or not. In the same way, just because fat people tend to be more unhealthy doesn't mean it's because they're fat. So why is it, if not the excess of adipose cells on their body? Stress, depression, dieting, weight cycling (caused by dieting), and other factors are more likely to explain the correlation. These things don't come as a result of being fat- fat people aren't inherently depressed and stressed. It comes from sizism and fat people being shamed and bullied. In other words, we're not killing ourselves- you're killing us. It's a well known fact that extended stress causes heart problems as well as blood pressure problems.

One study split women into two groups. One group was instructed on traditional dieting and one group practiced Health at Every Size (or HAES) and were taught to love their bodies and respect themselves. Of the two groups, the dieting group lost weight (and thus lowered their cholesterol and blood pressure) but then regained it all (returning the health problems as well). The HAES group didn't lose weight, but they still maintained the health benefits. The reduction in stress and the healthy eating and exercise (as opposed to calorie restriction) gave them all of the same health benefits of losing weight, but without the risks of weight cycling or calorie restriction. So in short, being healthy has nothing to do with weight and more to do with what you eat and if you exercise. There are tons of studies that show weight does not directly impact health but how you treat your body does. Calling someone names and shaming them isn't going to make them healthier and, like all forms of bullying, it makes you an abuser and possibly an accomplice to ruining someone's life or even taking it.

Next let's talk about veganism. As I've said- I am not a health vegan. Veganism was originally created as a way to separate people who truly wanted to end animal cruelty from other vegetarians. In other words, veganism is, at it's heart, an animal rights movement. Yes, some people eat a strict vegetarian diet (also sometimes called a vegan diet) for health reasons, but they tend to still use animal products in other parts of their lives, whereas vegans don't. That's right- my conditioner? Not tested on animals. My clothes? No silk or fur or leather or wool to be found. Still, people tend to be extremely 'concerned' for my health. While this concern is usually a disguised insult designed to defend a person's own animal filled lifestyle or diet. So let's talk a little bit about the health of a vegan.

No cholesterol. No vegan food contains cholesterol- cholesterol only comes from animal products. Because of this vegans tend to have excellent cholesterol and blood pressure.

Protein- believe it or not, animal products are not the only source of this. People seem to assume I'm never getting enough and never realize that the average American gets about 3X the amount of protein they need daily. So it's not that I'm low on it- it's that you're way over on it. Still, you can always talk to a vegan body builder and ask them how they do it. Beans (including soy beans), legumes, nuts, seeds, and wheat all have tons of protein. All food has protein to some degree.

B-12- I don't think any meat eater even knew what this was before they started trying to find ways to attack vegans. B-12 is found, naturally, in animal products and nutritional yeast. Many vegans eat nutritional yeast though it's certainly not necessary if you dislike it since all supplement forms of B-12 are vegan and many vegan foods, including alternative milks, breakfast cereals, oatmeal, and alternative "meats" contain B-12. And hey, if you're a vegan geek and you're throwing back those energy drinks for all night gaming sessions- you're getting plenty. The average adult only needs about two and a half micrograms a day and extra stays in your system for quite a while.

In general, vegans and vegetarians tend to be healthier than omnivore's so it's probably not my health that you need to be worrying about. Today's vegans have a much easier time of getting all the nutrition that they need than the vegans during the 30's did. We have such a great understanding of nutrition and health- and we're learning more every day. Enough that an animal free diet is not only possible, but it's healthy and recommended for all stages of life including pregnancy, babies, children, and adults. Meat free diets are even recommended for heart disease patients.

Now, I myself even go a little further than that. I pay close attention to the ration of omega 6's to omega 9's  that I consume (too much 6 is bad for your heart- sorry sunflower seed lovers). I don't consume HFCS and I stay far away from artificial colors. I eat very few processed vegan products and stick mainly to whole foods and I eat very little wheat (since some studies are showing a link with diabetes and heart problems). Basically- veganism is healthier than being an omnivore in general, but I'm even more of a health nut than most vegans. I've always cared about my health- and that includes my mental and emotional health which people seem to think they can walk all over.

Bottom line? Don't pretend to show concern for my health to disguise your bullying- you're threatening my health far more than any faux arguments you can come up with.

You Don't Know

I want to address this because it's something that keeps coming back to my mind again and again- and that is that people assume they know your eating habits or exercise habits depending on your weight. This works both for thin people and fat people. I'm going to address it in more of a personal manner though and talk about why it was completely false in my case.

When I still cared about my weight, when I still thought being fat made me worthless and lazy and glutinous, I did everything I could to lose weight (Now I know better). At one point I decided I needed my thyroid checked because it was just ridiculous that eating healthfully and restricting calories, and exercising wasn't working (gee, maybe that's because diets don't work.. but I didn't know that). I confided this to my mother who didn't believe there was anything wrong with me, pointing out that I don't exercise much anymore due to multiple injuries. "What about in high school, mom?", I asked. "I know how you ate in high school." was her reply, obviously implying that my eating habits had to do with my weight. I'll be honest- I was shocked. There's very little my mom knew about my life in high school and my eating habits were definitely not part of her knowledge.

Now, I want to be clear that my mom worked very hard and very long trying to support three children after my father skipped out on child support completely so I'm not blaming her for not knowing my eating habits as it's clear why she wouldn't. Either she was working or I was at school, with friends, etc.

So why did she claim she knew how I ate in high school when she rarely was privy to the knowledge? Because she assumed she knew what I ate because I was fat.  What she didn't know if that I hardly ever ate at all and, thus, often had fainting spells (which my now husband can attest to). I never ate breakfast, rarely ate lunch, and when I ate dinner at home I ate side dishes because I became a vegetarian when I was 14 (freshman year) and we didn't cook many vegetarian meals- therefore I was stuck with corn and potatoes most of the time. This starvation diet that I was on may account for me being at my thinnest in high school (a size 15/16 US).And certainly starving myself would be the only way to get back there (if you are even thinking of suggesting that then you are one sick fuck).

In addition to eating very little for about 5 or 6 years I also was incredibly active. I love walking. I really want to emphasize just how much I love it- I would walk everywhere I went in high school and would still do so today if I didn't have an ankle injury which causes severe pain when I walk. I woke up, walked 20 minutes to my best friend's house so that we could ride the bus together, went to school where I had marching band practice every day, rode the bus back to my best friend's house, walked 20 minutes home, did homework/watched TV for a couple of hours then walked back. Then we'd walk to our other friend's house (another 20-30 minutes)  just so that we could walk around the neighborhood more. Not to mention that I had additional marching band practices, games, competitions, etc as well as frequently starting new exercise programs with my friend, Beth.

All of this walking with very little food and, for a couple of years, diet pills every day three times a day, throw in the occasional periods of bulimia and it would amaze anyone that I wasn't very thin. I would simply not eat for days at a time- once for two weeks. When presented with this information most people would say that I'm lying. I find it funny that when a very thin person says they eat non stop, no one disagrees, no one calls them a liar, and no one argues.

There are all sorts of assumptions made about fat people which are shown for being ridiculous when the same things are applied to thin people. "Fat people just eat too much" would mean that thin people eat less- so all of those thin people who eat junk food in high quantities should be morbidly obese by now shouldn't they? "fat people just don't exercise" ignores all of the thin couch potatoes out there snacking on pizza and all of the fat people, like me, who were or are incredibly active.

So I want to emphasize, no mom, you have no idea what I ate in high school. You are just as guilty of making false assumptions as anyone else in society. Think about what my brother ate and you'll realize he ate far more than I did. Next time you decide to make an assumption based on facts that you don't even have, please rethink it.

The distorted mentality of killing animals

http://www.andrea-schroeder.com/VCeelen4a.html

So I was sitting in the car last week, coming home from the grocery store, and going over a recent debate about animal cruelty and veganism. i was ranting against the illogical and sometimes just plain mind numbingly stupid arguments for meat eating that I often get. These arguments tend to be:

• Animals don't have a concept of death.
• Animals don't know what's going on when they feel pain.
• Animals aren't as intelligent as humans.
• I enjoy eating dead animals therefore it surely must be morally justifiable.
• The animals are killed quickly and humanely.
• I eat free range animals which makes it morally justifiable.

Being a mother, the thought suddenly struck me- animals aren't much different on an of these levels than a baby or a young toddler.

• Babies and toddlers don't have a concept of death.
• Babies and toddlers don't know what's going on when they feel pain.
• Babies and toddlers aren't as intelligent as adults (or even as some animals)

The other arguments, when applied to babies and toddlers are.. just reprehensible. Beyond disgusting. From the meat eater's perspective this would be: I enjoy eating the flesh of babies so it's okay, babies are killed quickly and humanly, I only eat free range babies (although in most cases people eat animals from factory farms which could be comparable to beating a baby every day and then finally killing it after a year or so).

Now, people will say this is extreme thinking, but stay with me for a moment. Can you logically give me one actual difference between a pig, who is certainly more intelligent than your newborn, and a human newborn? You could argue that the pain caused to the family makes it less morally justifiable so assume the baby is an orphan and no one would care- or that the parents themselves wanted to kill the baby for various reasons (have you seen the news? It happens people).

The one and only argument left is: because humans are superior to animals. Except that we're really not. If you have a single intelligent brain cell in your head you know that we evolved. In evolution nothing is superior to anything else. You evolve to fill a niche, you evolve in the way that best benefits your survival. So great, humans evolved in a particular way (that we'd better be incredibly grateful for!) and animals evolved in their own way, for their own niche. Evolutionarily speaking we're equals (and no, the ability to kill doesn't make you superior.. if it did we'd be praising  murderers, not locking them up).

It goes without saying that none of the arguments for meat eating are logical or morally justifiable, but it just really struck me how brainless they actually are. It's sort of like that light bulb moment you have when you realize that religions make absolutely no sense. You knew it before but suddenly you really know it.

On certain levels we apply this same brainless callousness to other humans as well. Babies, as much as people are horrified by the examples I gave and would genuinely be horrified if these things happened in real life (do you really want to think about a baby having it's legs broken, strung up, then being skinned while still alive after having it's throat slit? I didn't think so), babies still tend to be thought of as less than adults. Less important, having less needs, less deserving of many things. We genitally mutilate our baby boys here in America routinely, we leave our babies upset and crying out for love and attention for hours in their cribs because we somehow think babies need less human contact than anyone else, we physically assault our children - something we'd go to jail for doing to another adult.. sometimes you have to really wonder what is wrong with the human species. For all of our superior attitudes, can we really claim superiority when this is how we treat other animals, both human and non human?

On Apathy And The Self Centered Universe

I'm just one person, what I do doesn't matter anyway. 


So what? it's not my problem.


I overcame it, so can they and anything else is unacceptable and despicable. 

Why should I have to pay to take care of someone else? 

These phrases are common- to a depressing degree. I hear it most from local college kids who are usually libertarians, or from privileged, healthy, and driven individuals. They tend to have an "every man for himself" type of attitude that seems to be void of any type of human compassion. Why? Because they are the center of their universes. Generally speaking this is true of everyone. Human beings project their own feelings, thoughts, and expectations on others. We expect people to react to situations the same way we would, to share our world view in similar manners, and to have the same basic goals. People also tend to have different sized monkeyspheres. We intellectually know that people are different in a variety of ways, but that doesn't seem to often actually sink into our thick skulls.

Let's use a common example- infidelity which is, unfortunately, something that almost everyone experiences. This is a common type of abuse and one that people react to on vastly different scales. Girl A grew up in an abusive home and was constantly made to believe she was worthless and no person could ever love her. Person B grew up in a stable home where she was taught she can be anything she wants and she's full of worth and beauty. Let's assume the circumstance of infidelity are exactly the same- that guy/girl C purposefully seeks out an alternate partner for sexual reasons that are not in any way virtuous, accidental, or anything less than detestable. Miss A is going to be devastated.. everything she was told is confirmed.. she wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or just enough of anything. This ties directly into her psychological makeup and experiences. Miss B reacts with anger at the abuser and realizes she doesn't deserve to be treated that way, immediately leaves and moves on with her life, being glad to be rid of garbage.

Now, the people mentioned in paragraph 1 would likely see Miss A's reaction as her own fault. Her feelings as her own fault as well as her inability to get past it. This is a bit like saying a rape victim's PTSD is his or her own fault (not the rape itself, but the resulting emotional and psychological damage that resulted). Miss B would be the "I overcame it why can't you?" type of person, not even taking into consideration that everyone will not and cannot react in the same manner as she did.

This is what I mean by the self centered universe.

Apathy is a whole different story and ties in mostly with the monkeysphere mentioned above. People who simply do not have the ability to see others as equal human beings to themselves and those within their monkeyspheres (which may include family, friends, co workers, etc). These people are also very self centered, only really caring about those who directly impact their lives. While we certainly can't personally care about everyone (perhaps about 150 people at most), we can certainly expand our compassion. Many people need to learn to put themselves in another person's shoes which doesn't simply involve "in this situation I know I'd do..." but rather "if I did and saw things the way this person does with all they're experienced and feel then how might I do things?".

My first recommendation if you wish to become a better, more compassion person is to go vegan. Yeah yeah.. I know you are probably rolling your eyes and heaving a big (if internal) sigh. But when you go vegan, even if it's for health or environmental reasons, then you automatically begin gaining compassion. It's far easier to judge people when you're already used to subjugating, torturing and killing others just for pleasure. We know that this is why children who abuse animals are marked with red flags for things like anti social personality disorder (sociopathy), narcissistic personality disorder, and a host of others. Why is it a red flag for kids but not for adults? Well, it really isn't different for adults, we just stop caring because we all do it.

The second thing I suggest is that everyone take at least an introductory course in psychology and sociology. If you are in high school or college this should be simple. If you are not, then visit psychology forums and read as much as you can. Familiarizing yourself with neurology and biology (even if only on a basic level) helps greatly too because both tie in greatly with psychology and sociology.

The third thing that I'll suggest is making friends you would never talk to before. Surround yourself with people who are different from you. The mentally ill, people who have a history of drug use or alcoholism, fat people, thin people, rich people, poor people. You don't have to be best friends, but getting to know people on a personal level you will not only begin to see things from their point of view but, more importantly, you'll begin to see how they all differ and why.

We have to realize that individual people make movements. If everyone decided that what we do doesn't matter, if everyone decided they'd rather live for themselves, then where would we be? What would have become of civil rights movements? Blacks rights, womens rights, gay rights, childrens rights.. one voice can be silenced, it's true, but a million cannot.

How Lessons From The Fat-O-Sphere changed my life

I don't mean to turn this into a fat blog. It's not- it encompasses many of my passions and ideas, but I do tend to get on topic kicks and I guess fat has been one of them lately. A few weeks ago I was visiting a friend, helping with a yard sale. We ended up talking most of the day about various topics, but at some point diets and fat came up (don't they always when two fat women are talking?). I can't remember exactly what was said although I'm fairly certain it was something about counting calories and how it never seems to work, and she told me she had something I needed to read. Lessons From The Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby. I flipped through it and ended up forgetting it when I left.

A few days later my friend brought it over. Well alright alright.. I guess I'll read it. I was sure it was some stupid frou frou 'love your body, you're a goddess' crap.. which is great when I'm feeling euphoric and manic and decide that I'm the best fucking thing since sliced bread, but overall it's never held. So I read.

And man did I get pissed.

Seriously- this book is the type of book that, if you're like me, will piss you off at every new chapter. Everything in it goes against everything you know and have been taught. Then comes the sadness as you start to feel your hope of eventual thinness is being taken away from you by the cold, hard truth- backed up with plenty of studies and expert opinions. Then more anger at your body for being so stupid as to not be naturally thin like all those girls you know who can never seem to gain weight no matter what they eat. Then, finally, acceptance. If you can get through to that last part, I promise it's worth it.

Before I read this book I hated myself- and I had since I first gained weight around 7 or 8 years old. And why wouldn't I? Everyone told me I should and hey, they all hated me too so it made sense. Obviously I was just doing something wrong even when I was doing everything right. When I was a teenager I used to cut myself.. I used to cut the parts of my body that I hated. Once my brother found out he told all his friends at school that I was trying to cut the fat off. So then they could laugh at me for being fat and being a freak. In high school I began developing eating disorders. Throwing up, starving, diet pills, over eating, binge eating, and everything in between. I obsessed over my weight- tried every diet, went to gyms.. it never worked but hey, that just made me hate myself more for not doing it right.

At 25, married, and with a four year old son I still didn't have control over it. I began counting calories and the more I counted the less I ate until I was consuming about 300 calories a day. If I went over 500 I internally and mentally freaked out. I wouldn't let my husband touch my stomach, or any other part of me that I deemed too flabby or fatty.I hated having my photo taken and always hated going out where there were people because I felt they were staring at my fat and judging me. Maybe they are.. I've just learned not to care.

So what happened when I read the book and let it sink in? I started by posting video and full body photos (not taken at the myspace angle that most fat people use to visually shed 50 lbs), I began looking for fat positive photographers which led me to a site called Model Mayhem (I have two shoots booked this week already), I began wearing clothes proudly and even wear one of my shirts that has no back without layering and, most importantly, I stopped dieting. I realized that even when I'm not dieting and counting calories I still don't pig out and consumes thousands of calories in a day- so what was I so worried about? I've gotten involved in the fat-o-sphere and even helped start a new sub reddit on reddit.com. I'm much happier and, though I  haven't completely accepted my body and I still have plenty of hangups, I'm on a great road.