Arrr me hearties! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Avast me mateys, Talk Like A Pirate Day is upon us. Scallywags and wenches from near and far be gatherin. Landlubbers put on their sea legs for a single turn o the hour glass to celebrate our proud pastafarian history. If ye be havin trouble with yer speech, head over to Cap'n Slappy and 'Ol Chumbucket fer a few lessons. In the meantime, enjoy some portraits I be hoistin of this fair beauty (which happens to be me), taken by me very own Cap'n Calvin- who does in deed have a hornpipe in his pocket and is indeed happy to see me! Now go celebrate the day at a grogfest or with ye playful galley wenches (or lads).

The Bi Blues- a history

I rarely write about my sexuality here because, for me, it was so easy to accept it as part of my life. Unlike most bisexuals I've met, I didn't always know that I was bi. As a child and a teenager I never even considered it- I was straight. I wasn't bothered by the possibility of being something else because it never occurred to me. Like most kids, I was fairly young when I started feeling those flutterings of sexual awareness.  No one ever explained to me what they were and for years there were no real thoughts attached to the feelings- no thoughts of boys or girls or anything else, just me and my body, and that was fine.

Meanwhile, in my daily life, I was starting to deal with boys and the classic crushes that came with it (not that I associated sexual feelings with these crushes- I didn't). My first crush (that I remember) was on a boy named Drew. We were in 6th grade and we used to play spaceships on the playground. Maybe my romantic yearnings came from the simple fact that he was nice to me. You see, in 3rd grade I went from being a beanpole, nicknamed "Heather feather" because a strong wind could carry me away, to being one of the fattest kids in school. No dietary changes or changes in my activity level.. just the emerging symptoms of depression and bipolar. So with my weight gain my popularity plummeted- and so did interest from the boys. I've been told that I had several "boyfriends" before that (I simply can't recall).

On Valentine's Day that year I gave Drew a card letting him know how I felt. I watched him open his paper mailbox anxiously. Finally he read mine- he looked at me from across the room, our eyes met.. and he laughed. He laughed long and hard and so did all of his friends. Drew never spoke to me again and, luckily, moved away shortly after. That was only the beginning of my boy troubles though- throughout middle school I was constantly asked out as a joke. I took the bait the first time only- later my mom told me that when he'd called he didn't even know my name. He simply asked for "the brown haired girl". I developed a fear of relationships in general. Throughout high school if someone hinted at having a crush on me I would push them away, get angry, feel embarrassed and avoid them as much as possible. How was I supposed to sort out that I liked girls when I couldn't bring myself to like anyone?

My one relief was the computer. I met and flirted with guys online. It was a safe way to boost my self esteem while keeping any realities that my burst my bubble far away. This tactic backfired in the long run- every time I received a compliment I thanked them while telling myself how wrong they were and mentally listing things they'd say instead if they knew me in person- all insults. I met my now husband  online when I was 14 and he was 15. He flirted with me- a lot. I brushed it off. Eventually I sent him a photo- from my 9th grade trip to Orlando with marching band. I was wearing a big floppy safari hat with long wavy reddish hair and awkward glasses.

"So...?" I asked him, "what do you think?"

"Oh.." he replies, "I was expecting someone pretty..."

Immediately I logged off, hurt, my poor self esteem reinforced. After a few minutes I forced myself to log back on and waited.

"Where'd you go? I didn't get to finish my sentence. I was going to say I expected someone pretty... but found someone beautiful"

It was cheesy and sentimental and my embarrassment grew. Again- if he only knew how wrong he was. He visited me in NC from PA the summer before my senior year and, later, through a series of fatalistic events, moved in with me when he became stranded in NC. So this was safe. And I was afraid.

Over the years he insisted that he thought I was bisexual and I insisted I wasn't- not because I thought it was bad, but because I simply didn't think about it. Eventually, once he got me out of my prudish shell and I began watching porn, I felt some stirrings for the women in the videos. I began to question myself silently, but was content to leave it at fantasies. I was sexually shy and repressed and full of fear- it was easy to ignore. It wasn't until I was about 20, living in PA and stopping at the corner store for a couple of groceries that it hit me, full force, when I looked at my cashier. A gut reaction- a powerful pull. I could feel my cheeks flush and I quickly got out as fast as possible.

At that moment I realized that I was indeed bisexual- here was an actual girl that I was incredibly attracted to. And I accepted it. I didn't tell everyone right away, but it took only about 6 months for me to slyly change my orientation on social networking sites and only another few months for me to be able to talk about it openly- not bad for finding out something about yourself that you never realized before.

At times I feel like I missed out on something, on knowing and exploring something about myself that I'll never get the chance to now. I guess I could say that about relationships in general and my obsessive fear is still evident in so many aspects of my life. I may have realized this much sooner were it not for the abuse I suffered by those around me. All the signs were there really- I reveled in compliments from bi girls or lesbian friends, the second I accidentally discovered you can look up porn online when I was 12 I looked at women, and I always felt just a little too giddy around other girls.

I like men and I like women- I'm bisexual and I love it. 

Fat Vegan- You're Bad for Business

How hard is it to find a fat vegan? Not as hard as you may think. Though there's never been a study done on the weight of adult vegans, adult vegetarians are only 10 to 20 pounds lighter than their meat eating counterparts. For many people that's enough to get a slight pudge down to a slim belly, but what does that mean for the obese vegan? If you are 100 lbs overweight and going vegan makes you lose 20lbs- guess what? You're still 80lbs overweight. You're still a fat vegan. And, apparently, you're bad for business.

According to Dr. McDougall, " Fat vegans, however, have failed one important animal: themselves. Furthermore, their audiences of meat-eaters and animal-abusers may be so distracted by their appearance that they cannot hear the vital issues of animal rights and the environment; resulting in an unacknowledged setback for a fat vegan’s hard work for change." So sorry fat vegans- apparently everyone's too busy looking at your belly for anything you say to be valid. 

Now, McDougall isn't all wrong- it's true that there exist many bigotries concerning fat people all over the world. - most of them simply untrue, but people will judge you based on how you look. Let's also be clear that those people, the ones who only care about the most superficial topics, aren't likely to go vegan anyway- especially since they're likely already thin. 

I went vegan for the animals- not my waistline. I eat well, I exercise, but I'll be damned if I'll let someone tell me that I'm too unattractive to be vegan- or that I'm so unattractive that I put others off of going vegan. I know dozens of vegans and every single one of them looks about the same as they did before going veg. 10 or 20 lbs makes little difference if someone's natural body shape is bigger. 

The bottom line is that I shouldn't have to torment myself to be thin just because someone else doesn't like how I look. These types of sentiments- encouraging vegans to obsess over their waistlines and the number on the scale isn't a healthy out look for anyone. Yes, we should try to be healthy, but not everyone even cares so why make them? It's their body, let them be. And for those who do- they're already trying to lose weight and eat as healthfully as possible, so why barrage them with messages that they're not good enough? 

I planned on making this a much longer blog post with  much more scathing and relevant comments, but considering i'm bipolar and borderline suicidally depressed at the moment, I'm going to go eat some fucking cookies- and if you think that makes me bad for your image then screw you.

"1 law to a Perfect Body"

I know that I recently did a blog on fatphobia and sizism, but let's be honest: we all know it's not going away any time soon. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm pretty sick and tired of seeing weight loss ads everywhere I go. I was recently reading an article by Sam Harris on beliefnet and I saw a version of the ad you see to the left. I can hear the assholes now: "you wouldn't be offended if you weren't so fat". It's times like that when I'm glad I have thin friends who are just as outspoken against sizism and the focus on body image as I am. 

Firstly, fat people are fat for a variety of reasons, but secondly, not a single one of those reasons is your business. Let's assume that what every thin person says about every fat person is true: that we just shovel food in our faces. My question would be: so what? Thin people are allowed to shovel food with no one batting an eye- some people may even find it endearing or entertaining. But should someone with a much slower metabolism do the same, they are looked at with disdain, disgust, and judgment.  So my first question to these haters is why are we not allowed to enjoy the same lifestyle that you are? 

The unintelligent retort tends to be "because it makes you fat!" but again I ask.. so what? The only reason this is a problem is because of assholes like you! If people were allowed to just be their natural sizes or whatever size they chose to be then there wouldn't even be an argument here. Okay naturally thin person who eats a lot and watches TV all day, you don't want to sleep with me. I get that.. I'm not attracted to all people either. I'm generally not attracted to thin people and I'm never attracted to extremely thin people, but I never degrade them or make them feel bad about themselves for being thin. Other people want to sleep with me- other people have slept with me, so it's obviously not a problem in my life. Combine that with the fact that I'm likely healthier than you are and you don't' have a single argument to back you other than your lack of attraction. If we got rid of everyone in the world that everyone didn't find attractive, how many people would we be left with exactly? I'm pretty sure that number would be low enough to exterminate the human race entirely.

Another argument may be "but it's bad for you". One more time everybody! SO WHAT? If people choose to eat unhealthy foods with the full knowledge of the risks then who cares? People go skydiving, people join the military, and people drive cars: all of these have well known risks and are rarely criticized for that reason. That doesn't even get into the fact that being thin does not exclude you from health risks of a bad diet. 

So let's compromise: everyone can eat whatever they want as long as they're not directly interfering with another's wellbeing or life and people can stop being asshats about other people's eating habits or physical appearance. Let's make that apply to all aspects of physical appearance shall we?

Caelan's party: the fun

This blog meanders a bit from my usual posts on social and political issues, but my son is a big boy :-) I couldn't help it. Don't worry.. my next blog will tackle some social issues as well as religious ones.


Caelan turned 4 last Thursday and his birthday party was Saturday. Many of my in-laws came down from Pennsylvania to be there. The party lasted all day! He wanted hero pirates for his birthday but they were hard to come by so I just did pirates. I planned on making little capes for them, but didn't have the time. The ship was incredibly hard to find since the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are older now. Calvin and I spent a couple hours going to several stores to finally find this one at Toys R Us- although it was far too expensive. His candles were sea creatures and his cupcakes were an island treasure map (could you tell that's what the little lines were?). For all the work I put into it, I'm not sure he quite appreciated it, but many of the other kids did! I used a great vegan chocolate cake recipe for the cake and the Betty Crocker gluten free cake mix for the cupcakes- using, of course, vegan ingredients. While making the cake i dropped the entire container of cocoa powder into the flour and had to eye it while trying to separate them. The cake turned out more decadent and absolutely delicious!

Having friends attend who were soy intolerant, gluten intolerant vegans I took Caelan's favorite dish (vegan mac and cheese) and subbed quiona noodles and a non soy faux cheese plus coconut milk and made a version that everyone could eat and love :-) Caelan didn't seem to love it as much as the soy filled kind, but that's okay- I'll make it sometime next week for him. The original recipe is:

1 lb macaroni noodles
1 package firm tofu
1 package vegan cream cheese
1 block (10oz) vegan cheddar cheese (I use follow your heart)
2 cups milk alternative (I use plain soy  milk)
1/4 nutritional yeast
1/2 box of crackers

Ricotta:
combine the tofu and cream cheese in a food processor and blend until just slightly lumpy. (if you're doing a lasagna you can add garlic and italian seasoning to this)

Cheese sauce:
Slowly heat the soy milk but do not boil. When hot, slowly add the vegan cheese- i just use a cheese grater to slowly grate it over the pot. Stir slowly until all the cheese is melted. Add nutritional yeast and stir again.

Mix the cooked noodles and ricotta together in a 9X13 pan then pour the cheese sauce over it. Mix it carefully. Top with crushed crackers and bake at 425 for about 45 minutes.

(FYI, some studies show that refined carbohydrates like flour and sugar may contribute to heart disease so Quiona noodles would be best- they cook and taste just like wheat noodles)

So for his birthday we started off at the Children's Museum- even the adults loved it! Of course, with 7 kids all darting off in different directions we lost a few just a couple of times. The museum is small and goes in a circle so they weren't hard to find. There was a real fire truck, police car, and race car as well as the real cockpit of a plane!  There was a child size house, construction zone, market, and play house too. Between three cameras I can't imagine how many photos we got!

Then we went to the park to eat and ride paddle boats. Being North Carolina it was in the mid to upper 90's and the humidity was oppressive. I accidentally left the key to the car trunk at home and guess where all the drinks were? So my mom went to a gas station to get more- which meant the kids drank soda instead of the juice that was still sitting in my trunk. Yes, I'm still kind of kicking myself for that one and I feel terrible that the kids all drank soda.

Think that was the end of an exhausting day? Oh no- then the kids all went to the science center (right beside the park). Luckily I went home with Calvin's grandma and her husband because they were tired (and so was I after three days of preparing for my in-laws and the party! Not to mention in injured knee and ankle kept giving out and making me stumble.) Did you have any doubt to the endless amount of energy children have? If so, you may be amazed that after 2.5 hours at the children's museum and 2 hours running around the park they spent 2 more hours at the science center. Apparently they burned a good bit of energy though because everyone was hungry when they got home (even though they'd all just eaten). If you don't have a Brixx in your city then I am deeply sorry. They have amazing vegan pizza (and non vegan pizza for those of you who don't love our non human friends as much). You don't even want to know what the bill was for 8 adults and 6 children though.


And, finally, the kids went to our place and played the Wii while I took my sisters in law to the mall- they were enamored with the large three story palace. Their mall kinda sucks (kinda is a pretty mild word for it). I'd like to sleep for the next week please.

Size-ism and fatphobia

I am fat. According to my BMI I am actually morbidly obese and I've flown before and yes, I had trouble fitting into the seats. Luckily I flew on skybus (they're out of business now) and they were much kinder than most airlines. And yes, my weight does make me terrified to fly... I also can't go to amusement parks.

It may be shocking to know, but fat people know they're fat. Honestly we do. And the majority of us work every single day to rectify that fact of our lives. The human body is complex and there are many things that contribute to weight such as, over eating, eating disorders, medication, psychological and emotional disorders and associations with food, slow metabolism, depression and anxiety (which create certain hormones which cause the body to hang onto fat), as well as bones/genetics, diseases such as hypothyroidism,and more. There are many thin people who are incredibly unhealthy (hello anorexia) but they don't get razzed for being unhealthy- not like us fatties do. It's a common fall back to say "it's not about how they look, it's about their health!" I'm incredibly healthy.. and yet still fat. my cholesterol is perfect, my blood sugar and blood pressure are great, I eat well (and vegan) and before I hurt my ankle I was extremely active (and still fat)- bottom line, health isn't the issue, sizism is the issue- i'll reiterate, fat people KNOW they're fat.. really we do- and we're all trying really fucking hard to get skinny and we don't need to be shamed, exploited, or bitched at in the mean time. I personally eat between 1200 and 1800 calories a day.. (yes, I track every single thing i eat or drink every day) not exactly stuffing my face now am I?

So I want to take a few minutes to outline some of those more complex issues that siez-ists and fatphobes dont' seem to get.

Medication: There are many medications that cause increased appetite... but firstly I'd like to point out how psychologically torturous and maddening it is to feel the need to eat and try to restrain yourself all day every day for weeks, months, years, etc. I should point out that people do not have infinite supplies of will power. Will power is controlled by the frontal lobe and is a finite resource. The more you have on your mind, the less will power you have- so expecting someone to be strong as steel when their body is constantly telling them to eat, is unrealistic at best.

Disease: The one everyone knows is hypothyroidism, but it's far from the only disease out there which makes people gain weight. Others include cushings, polycystic ovary syndrome, and Hashimoto' to name a few. And that doesn't even address the people who are undiagnosed or the people with sluggish metabolisms who just barely don't meet the guidelines for diagnosis.

Then we can discuss depression and anxiety- aside from the chemicals that make your body hold onto weight you also get water weight (with anxiety especially, but with depression as well). Depression also causes cravings for sweets as well as carbs. Why? the consumption of carbohydrates as well as chocolate induces seratonin in the brain- the more depressed you are, the more you want and as we both know, very carby foods are also very high in calories.

Moving on to eating disorders- this can partially be lumped in with depression and anxiety. The two eating disorders common to obesity are binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating. The problem is that people with these often do literally stuff their faces.. and then people like you look on with disgust and think they should just control themselves.. they do not get the same empathy and sympathy as the anorexic or the bulimic who ends up in the hospital. Binge eating disorder is similar to bulimia in that the patient consumes and then purges that which they have consumed. The difference is that the binger often eats excessive amounts of food (where as a bulimic may consume moderately normal amounts of food). Compulsive overeaters are often caught in the vicious cycle of binge eating and depression. With the eating disorder of Compulsive Overeating food is used as a coping mechanism to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Many compulsive overeaters speak of using the episodes as a way to numb all that is going on around them.

which brings us to our next point: emotional and psychological attachment to food. Even those without eating disorders often experience this.. comfort foods do actually give comfort. I'll give you an example: As a child we were never ever allowed to have sweets- my grandparents (whom I lived with) kept various kinds of candy sitting out in bowls that we weren't allowed to touch.. if we did, we got beaten. My sister and I were abused up until the time when we could decide to not go back. My mom moved us out when I was 6 (though we still were primarily taken care of by my grandparents) and we didn't have sweets because we couldn't afford them. We got sweets right after pay day or when we got taxes back or when it was our birthday. Sweets were special. So when I first moved out buying sweets made me feel good.. emotionally and psychologically they were a trigger that told me I was doing well, I was independent, and that I wasn't poor (even if I was). Luckily because I have a fairly good grasp of psychology- especially for myself- I figured this out fairly early and could take steps to rectify it. Now I feel well off and independent when I buy vegetables. But even the average person develops dependence, emotionally, on certain foods. It often causes a vicious cycle- eat, get depressed, eat because you're depressed, get more depressed, and on and on. Not everyone has the strength to break this cycle. Sweets, in our culture, are both held to high esteem (they ARE special) and despised at the same time. Often times these cycles begin in childhood when the child has little to no say over what they eat, but they are, nonetheless, set up psychologically to deal with these issues for the rest of their lives.

And these reasons and more are why obesity and morbid obesity are seen as, yes, medical issues- but also disabilities.. because there is a complex system that goes into the determination of a person's weight and it's not something that can be switched on or switched off. Current attitudes on the subject would be akin to someone telling you to just get up and go when you're fatigued from diabetes, or to just cheer up and snap out of it when you have clinical depression- while there are things that we can do to make ourselves less depressed (monitoring our diet, exercise, opening the windows to let in sunlight, keeping your head up, etc) it's not nearly so simple.

Please understand that the attitude of "I did it so why can't you" is not only hurtful and insulting, but it's an arrogant position to take. You will never know the details of a person's life and how they got to be the weight that they did.

Turkey Day

Forty-five million turkeys are eaten each Thanksgiving.

There are 6-9 million people in the US who do not eat meat (either vegetarian or vegan). Many of those people save the live of a Turkey every thanksgiving. For those of you who don't think one person being a vegetarian or vegan makes a difference, think about that number. The meat industry isn't going to turn out 6-9 million extra birds that aren't going to get sold so what do they do? They don't breed as many birds and therefore less animals suffer and die as a direct result of veg eating habits.

Ben Franklin praised their resourcefulness, agility, and beauty—he called the turkey “a bird of courage” and “a true original native of America.” He even suggesting the turkey be our national bird. Turkeys are very intelligent creatures, as well as being very paternal.

As Thanksgiving approaches I can't help but think about the apathy and cruelty among many people towards these helpless animals. Sarah Palin gleefully slaughtered a turkey herself last year after pardoning one of it's cell mates, with a type of relish one generally sees in psychopaths.

The life of the turkey on your table was a miserable one. Artificially fattened, most turkeys can barely stand and often suffer from broken feet and legs simply because they cannot support the weight of their own bodies. In the wild, the lifespan of aturkey is 10-12 years, but on factory farms they are slaughtered when they are only 5 months old.

"Erik Marcus, the author of Vegan: The New Ethics of Eating, has spent a considerable amount of time with turkeys on farm sanctuaries. He reports, “Turkeys remember your face and they will sit closer to you with each day you revisit. Come back day after day and, before long, a few birds will pick you out as their favorite and they will come running up to you whenever you arrive. It’s definitely a matter of the birds choosing you rather than of you choosing the birds. Different birds choose different people.”" (goveg.com)

There's no reason to slaughter animals in this day and age in America. None at all. We cannot truly call ourselves a civilized society until that civility is extended to not only all people, but all creatures as well.

Letter to PETA

I want to join those who have began protesting Peta due to their sexism and all around offensive campaign tactics. Most recently the "save the whales" campaign which is ridiculous and highly offensive. According to a woman who I won't name here, when talking with Ingrid Newkirk about the campaign she was told that diet is the ONLY reason why anyone is fat- that weight gain is based solely on the consumption of animal products and byproducts . This shows extreme ignorance as there are many factors that go into a person's size.

I am completely vegan- not a single animal product to blame my weight on and yet I am still obese. Why? No doctor has been completely able to figure that out but I do have bipolar disorder which decreases the body's ability to regulate it's own weight due to the massive amounts of negative, stress hormones that tend to be present in the body. I was even a raw foodist for two months and didn't lose a single pound, this in addition to being an active member at a gym for women.

PETA has been losing support among vegans especially (because vegans tend to be better informed) for many years now and are continuing to do so to the point where vegans and vegetarians are actually protesting PETA.

The ladies who recently spoke to Ingrid Newkirk were also told that having young thin women holding signs naked was not sexist in any way and yet- why are there no men, older men and women, or larger men and women holding those signs? As a person of size I would like to volunteer right now to be a part of the next naked sign protest that PETA holds and I have several people of size who would be willing to as well.

I will no longer be supporting PETA in ANY way and will hopefully be able to engage in active protests against PETA.

I know you are, but what am I?

People never enjoy studies that come out which may seem insulting to a specific type of people. Such as one researcher who claimed to have discovered an intelligence gene which was most pronounced in Asians and least in.. well, I'll leave that out because it's.. well, insulting. After all, it's insulting to call someone less intelligent whether it's how they're born or how they choose to be. Personally, I have no problem admitting Asians are probably smarter than me.. but then, I'm not at the lowest level either.

So you can imagine the uproar that could very well be happening right this moment from a new study which concludes that there is a negative correlation between conservatism and intelligence. This means that when ones goes up, the other goes down. In this case, the more conservative a person is, the lower their intelligence.


"Conservatism and cognitive ability are negatively correlated. The evidence is based on 1254 community college students and 1600 foreign students seeking entry to United States' universities. At the individual level of analysis, conservatism scores correlate negatively with SAT, Vocabulary, and Analogy test scores. At the national level of analysis, conservatism scores correlate negatively with measures of education (e.g., gross enrollment at primary, secondary, and tertiary levels) and performance on mathematics and reading assessments from the PISA (Programme for International Student Assessment) project. They also correlate with components of the Failed States Index and several other measures of economic and political development of nations. Conservatism scores have higher correlations with economic and political measures than estimated IQ scores."

Now, of course, a study should be done on a larger scale and with a greater variety of people and not just those already seeking entry into university. I'm not going to say that this study creates a definitive fact which states that liberals are smarter than conservatives, but this, combined with other well known intelligence markers does make it quite interesting. For instance, the more religious a person is, the lower intelligence they're likely to have (and lower education) and, as we all know, the conservative movement is headed by one and only one group- christians.

Critical thinking skills are essential to intelligence (it's not all just memorizing facts and dates) which is something that most religious people severely lack and, in the same group, something conservatives usually lack.

So does this mean the more conservative parties are suddenly going to be known as the stupid parties? Well, to most liberals they already were, but realistically, probably not. Since facts tend to be insulting and no one wants that. Still, it'll be interesting to see where, if anywhere, this leads.

Sexuality in America

This subject has been done to death but after a while I think every blogger has to put in their two cents. America has made huge strides in the progression of sexual tolerance and rights, but we're still not anywhere near where we should be. A homosexual child is still six times more likely to commit suicide than their straight siblings and gay bashing isn't exactly hard time find. Johann Hari recently wrote an article about homophobia in the black community where it is most prevalent. The article claims that, like most homophobes, black or white, the hip hop community is so good at bashing gays because they're oh so good at hiding how gay they actually are.

He writes, "I recently interviewed Dean for Attitude, Britain's best-selling gay magazine. He told me about a man -- I don't believe in outing, so I won't give his name -- who "has been named in the past as one of the biggest rappers of all time by MTV. He's always trashing gay men in his lyrics. But he is surrounded by a posse of transvestites," who he has sex with. Dean then runs through a list of hip-hop gays, each more famous and closeted than the last."

It's funny how many white homophobes instantly get the title of having latent homosexuality, but that's pretty unheard of in the African American community. Maybe rightly so since the man interviewed by Hari, also secretly gay, says he feared for his life. Maybe rappers really are as violent as they sing about.

Still, a study in 1996 by Adams, Write, and Lohr found that the majority of men who identified as having aggressive feelings towards homosexuals were significantly aroused when shown homosexual pornography. The general feeling is that we have enough scientific evidence to suggest that a fear of gays really does suggest a person may be at least partly gay. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8772014)

Let's move on from heterosexuality vs homosexuality for a moment though and talk about bisexuality. This study also showed that 100% of the men were aroused by heterosexual porn meaning that they were not homosexual, but rather, bisexual. Hari writes "we know from decades of sexual research that almost everyone -- especially as a teenager -- has a period when they have omnivorous sexual urges, with attraction to the 'wrong' gender cropping up for a while. (Like most gay boys, I had a burst of heterosexual experiences when I was 15 and 16.)"

This from a man who, by the way, identifies as homosexual and not bisexual, yet he is essentially saying that not only does science indicate that all human beings at some point are attracted to both sexes, but he himself has personal experience in that area. This, ladies and gentlemen, we call bisexuality. Now, even in the bisexual community (people who acknowledge their attraction to both sexes) there is almost always a preference for one sex or the other. Does this mean that bisexuality is really the majority? Perhaps hetero and homosexuality are simply strong preferences by bisexual men and women. Even the gayest people I know still are "bi curious" even though they don't like to admit it. On the same note, even the straightest people I know have admitted to "experimenting" or having a curiousness as well.

I don't believe in homosexuality. I don't believe in heterosexuality. I believe in sexuality. I believe that we, as human beings, as sexual beings and have the capacity to be sexually aroused by numerous things, including both genders.

Germophobia's going to kill us

That's right, it's not the germs themselves, but your insane, neurotic germophobia that's going to be the death of us. Germ killing power is everywhere. Every cleaning commercial targeted at women states that so and so's product kills 99.9% of nasty germs. As a mother I find this ridiculous and, yes, dangerous.

Superbug. The word's been around for a few years now, but what is it? A superbug is a mutated form of a common germ that's become resistant to cleaning agents and medicines like antibiotics. Now, let's look at why we have superbugs. Make no mistake, these little critters are cause for alarm- and I mean all out the sky is falling alarm, because if these bugs become the norm then there's not much we can do since all the medicines we have to fight them would be completely useless.

1. Overcleaning. Seriously- let you and your kids be exposed to some germs. Exposure and, yes, even getting sick is necessary to let your body build up immunities, those nice natural defenses we come built with. Living in a bubble only means that when your kid hits the real world with no immune system, the risk of serious complication goes up. As long as you keep things pretty clean and aren't eating feces directly, you're pretty much okay.

2. CAFO's. Now, I'm against meat consumption for all kinds of ethical, environmental, and health reasons, but superbugs certainly ranks high up there behind ethics. Factory farms keep animals in filthy conditions, closely packed together, and eating foods they were never meant to eat. This means that the animals, if not treated with antibiotics, would stay sick all the time and most of them would die. The answer, in the CAFO world, is to give them drugs on a regular basis whether they're sick or not as a preventative treatment. Now, if you're looking past the fact that these animals are treated insanely horribly anyway, you might think this seems like a good idea. No, no. All it does does is breeds bugs that have to be stronger than those drugs in order to survive. The bird flu, the swine flu.. all thanks to antibiotic created superbugs.

If you're worried about all the nasty, possibly deadly germs left over from the meat you served for dinner then don't eat the meat. Really- it contains possibly deadly germs that you're hoping will be cooked out and you're feeding it to your family? If you don't want nasty germs laying around, stop eating nasty food.

Now, I'm not saying that living dirty and throwing poop at each other is a good thing. That's what got Europe in trouble with the whole plague thing. Yes, wash your hands after you use the bathroom or scratch your butt, but people,seriously, stop overreacting- you're gong to kill us all if you do.

Religion Strangles Science

Everyone knows that religion inhibits science. In fact, we have religious based "science" that spends it's time trying to prove that dinosaurs never existed or that there was indeed a worldwide flood, ridiculous endeavors when we already know there were dinosaurs and no world flood. And still they keep trying. But that's off topic.. that's getting into faux science.. what about REAL science?

One of my favorite things to talk about in regards to science and religion is, of course, the dark ages. 300 years of ignorance and the outlawing of intelligence (which includes, of course, science). Can you really fathom where we would be if it weren't for Christianity? Where we would be with those hundreds of years where we could have been technologically advancing? Where will we be in 300 years? Think about it. That's where we could have been now.

Of course, those days are long gone and we, for the most part, don't let ignorance and religion effect science, technology, and education. Until, of course, Bush took office. Placed in the white house by God himself, he and many of his fight wing fundies flouted. He was a soldier for the religious. He would make things right. No stem cell research, which, he moronically said, supported and encouraged abortion. No, we'll have none of those life saving cures. We don't want those parapalegics walking again and goodness gracious we certainly don't want to get rid of those elderly degenerative brain diseases! That would be against God. Not that the abortion rate actually went down because of this and it's not like we can get stem cells from anywhere but aborted fetuses (oh yeah.. that's right.. we CAN!).

I was watching the news which talked about Obama lifting the ban on federal funding for stem cell research. The reporters praising the possible cures that will soon be available and the sheer potential! We have known about the potential of stem cells for about a decade now, they said. A decade. Can you imagine the progress we could have had in a decade? And what's been such a hinderence? Why, Bush, of course.

Stem cell research could very likely cure diseases like Alzheimer's disease, Huntington's disease, spinal injury, Parkinson's disease, multiple sclerosis, AIDS, and a host of genetic and metabolic disorders. It could reverse cancer, or help replace damaged organs.

This is a modern example of religion strangling science. It's terrifying and disgusting to know that this still goes on and I dream of a day when people use common sense and fearless compassion instead of ridiculous and outdated fairytales and myths.

I Used To Be Extraordinary- A Metamorphasis

I was a young, mentally ill girl who liked almost everything about her personality. Gandhi said "be the change you want to see in the world" and I followed that even before I'd heard it. Those are truly words to live by, said by an extraordinary and admirable man. I strove, with every fiber of my being, to be kind, generous, free spirited, innocent and wise. It was perhaps with my first venture into Paganism that I really took to heart the idea of harming none, or at least causing the least amount of harm possible. I was empathetic and tender hearted by nature, probably due to knowing what it felt like to be abused, bullied, and persecuted, but this new thought took it to the next level.

I'm sure you're thinking, well, it should be obvious that one would want to do as little harm as possible and yes, you're right, but how many of us actually follow through with that golden rule? I became Wiccan at 13 and at 14 I stopped eating meat, not only for the health benefits, which I really only used when trying to justify myself to meat eaters who thought ethical reasons were too hippie-ish, but for spiritual reasons and to further my mission.

I was the kind of person whom people always referred to as "older". Not older in years, but more mature, more serious, more concerned with the problems of the world. I wasn't out doing drugs, drinking, or sleeping around like most of my school mates, but rather I was studying world religions, philosophy, and ethics. I got comments like "you're only (insert any age between 14 and 23 here)?" with a slight tone of shock. Yep, I was the bookworm, the weird nerd who never fit in, which made me happy.

By the time I hit 16 or so I was pretty happy with who I was. I was serious and aware of the world around me, seeing things that needed to be changed and I was proud of my passion for helping others. I was goofy and silly and free spirited, dancing through fields of wheat on my way to the bus stop or braiding flowers in my hair to wear to school. I was naturally a romantic and, while still believing in feminism and equal rights, being swept away the the idea of chivalry, nobility, and fairytale worlds.

I was extraordinary. I don't mean this in an egotistical sense, but rather just it's true meaning, beyond ordinary. I was not like the rest of the people I knew and I loved that. The rest of the world seemed cold, heartless, cynical, and hard. I wanted to be like those Buddhist monks you see in movies who are ever wise with love and kindness in their hearts. I was different and I didn't think the world could ever change me. After all, I grew up being abused, and still did not turn cold, I was bullied in horrible ways and still did not turn cold, my father was even murdered when I was 16, and still I did not turn cold.

As I got older, many bad things happened to me. Life has never been kind to me, but still I held out hope, kept faith in humanity, believed in everyone's innate kindness and goodness, and believed things would all work out for the best.

Then something happened and my world crumbled. My husband, whom I had been with since I was 15 and right after our 4th wedding anniversary did something horrible. That something is a long and painful story that may someday get it's own post but for now I'll paraphrase. He cheated on me. No, wait, it gets worse. We lived with the woman he was sleeping with and her family. It was all in front of me, flaunted, rubbed in my face. Being bipolar, I became very sick, very depressed. I became suicidal almost instantly and, for that reason, did not have the strength or courage to stop what was going on. For six months they did this and all I could do was cry and try, occasionally, to kill myself. My husband, who was no longer the man I knew, became more and more emotionally and verbally abusive, finally escalating to physical violence. The other woman was also horribly abusive and manipulative. She knew just the right thing to say to keep me down and was purposefully driving me to suicide.

Thinking about it is like watching a horror movie in my head. I can see myself, but it's not myself. A dissociated image caught in a fantastical play. There are a few main images I can't seem to get rid of. I can see myself, crying, sobbing in the room upstairs while they were downstairs, fucking like animals. I can see myself, that last time I tired to kill myself with the bottle of pills.. how I took them one at a time at first, and then more at a time until they were gone. I can see a myself, crying on the end of the bed, I see myself trying to stand up and being pushed back down by my husband's hand on my throat. These thoughts, replaying themselves over and over and wondering why and how this could happen to me, of all people. I tried so hard to be a good person, to be there for those I love, to do good for the people and the world around me, and this is what I got in return.

And so I changed. In ways I never thought possible. In ways that make me dislike who I am. Not because I am a bad person or because, being so hurt, I in turn began to hurt others, because I did not. Instead, what I dislike so much, is that I'm like everyone else.. cynical, distrustful, cold and blocked off to feeling anything. I am no longer extraordinary. I am like everyone else. I cannot be the change I want to see in the world. I cannot dance, I cannot love, I cannot enjoy the things I once did. My life is a drab, gray, mass of days which are all the same, punctured by heart breaking stabs of agony. My faith in humanity is lost, as am I.

Vegan School Lunches

Why I Don't Like Smokers

It's funny the course a thought can sometimes take. For personal reasons I was contemplating the mindset of an abuser and psychological factors and my mind jumped to an analogy of smoking and thus the revelation: smokers are like abusers. Or, more correctly, smokers are abusers.

Why? Think about it. A smoker is doing something very self damaging and, when they smoke around others they are inflicting harm, physical harm, on those people. These could be their spouses, their children, or total strangers. Like abusers, they often feel entitled to harm others in this way and, most of the time, don't even see why it's bad or harmful.

The most notable and, perhaps abhorrent of this abuse is perpetrated on our children. Not only children living in the household, but any child that comes into contact with their poison. Not only does it inflict physical damage, but also psychological damage. We know that children who grow up around smokers are more likely to grow up and smoke themselves, inflicting self damage which can be compared to self injury such as cutting or purposeful reckless behavior.

Most people would be disgusted if they found out that, say, a six year old were addicted to cigarettes. You would never let your six year old smoke... would you? If you would you would have your child taken away and into the custody of child services in a heartbeat, and yet we allow our children to become addicted to cigarette smoke from second-hand smoke at much younger ages. This is the real reason that children who grow up in smoke filled homes are more likely to smoke- they're already addicted!

So, smokers are, by all accounts, abusive addicts who feel no remorse in hurting other people, even their own children. I've made it no secret that I believe parents who smoke around their children should have their children taken away or be charged with abuse and be made to take a parenting class- perhaps one that shows what it is they're doing to their children which they supposedly love so much and would do anything to protect.. except not smoke, obviously.

Riots at the RNC

I know that every blogger and their sister has something to say about the arrests on Monday at the excel center where the Republican National Convention was being held, but I most certainly had to put my two cents in and, hopefully, spread the word to a few friends and family reading my blog who otherwise might not know.

10,000 gathered on the first night of the convention to protest the Iraq war, th republican party, and McCain's campaign. McCain has repeatedly voiced his approval of the war and a plan to keep our loved ones there. The protest was peaceful until a group of gestapo showed up trying to stop the protests without any cause, thereby infringing on our constitutional right to freedom of speech and the freedom to gather peacefully.

After stopping a march held by some 300 college students by blocking their path, the students began playing "freedom" music and dancing in the streets. A barrier was formed around the students and, without warning, the gestapo suddenly started firing pepper spray. Several students were burned.

In front of the convention site a barricade of police with megaphones announced that everyone was under arrest, not even attempting to weed out the supposed trouble causers from those who were standing quietly by. Several news teams nearby rushed over to cover the arrests and were then also told that they would be arrested. They were forced to kneel on the ground with their hands on their heads- an uncomfortable and unjust position to have to hold for an extended period of time. Over 250 protesters were arrested and charged with "conspiracy to incite a riot".

Our rights, as Americans, are slowly being taken away. Some may call me unpatriotic, but we are a nation known for challenging those in power. The constitution guarantees us freedom from tyranny. The second amendment, the right to bare arms, was not put there for rednecks to shoot deer and squirrels or for paranoid creationists to protect themselves from the homosexuals. It was put in place so that we had a way to protect ourselves from the government! Of course, with the invention of more powerful weapons the need for guns in the hands of th people is no longer valid since a musket won't going to hold a flame to a tank, but that's a discussion for another post. Our government is one of checks and balances for a reason! To ensure that no one has too much power!

But what power do the people have left? Do we have the power to vote into office our leaders? Obviously not since Bush was not the elected president. The popular vote did not go to him, meaning that more people didn't want him than did. And yet he was placed in power. Why? What kind of system do we have that a candidate can so easily cheat to win, not win, and still be placed as the commander and chief of our country?

MLK made great changes to this country because of his peaceful protests. He was also stopped many times the the police. Protesters were unjustly attacked, arrested, or even killed. And we look back at that time now and how do we see the people who worked so hard against him? Bigots, racists, ignorants, hate mongers.

We look back at the women's right movement and how do we see those who stood against it? Bigots, sexists, ignorants, hate mongers. Controlling men who thought they were better and smarter.

We look back at Vietnam and the hippies and how do we see them? Thy are the heroes who stood against an unjust war and spoke out against war crimes and hate. Though they were hated in their time, they are now a symbol of goodness and morality.

And what do these bigots and hate mongers have in common? They all com from the political right. The left has always fought, throughout history, for human rights, for freedom, for most of the things that are taken for granted today.

I've often wondered if the conservatives of yesterday who protested equal rights now feel ashamed. And I think, in 20, 30, or 40 years how will the political left be remembered? I am certain they will be seen as they always have in our history books, as those who fought for what was right. When gay marriage is as commonly accepted as interracial marriage or as women's right to vote, those who stand against it today will be seen as wrong, immoral, and hateful.

Those protesters are the heroes of tomorrow. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to look back on what's happening now and say "I protested. I fought for what was right. I helped stand against corruption and hate".

I also want to note that there were also several arrests during the DNC (about half as the RNC) although they were 90% people who were actually causing trouble, unlike at the RNC where people were arrested with no cause. However, regardless of whether I agreed with these protesters (and they can be compared to the anti-negro protesters of th 60's, meaning that they are protesting for restricting rights and creating a religiously controlled government) they have rights as well. These gestapo techniques are unacceptable, no matter how bigoted and intolerant the protesters are.

I'm sorry blog,I still love you

This poor blog has been pretty neglected. Tsk, tsk. That's because I've been incredibly busy. To read about what I've been so busy with visit my other blog: http://please-dont-feed-the-maniac.blogspot.com

A Spiritual Walk

As you may remember, in my previous blog I had taken notice of the fact that I no longer notice the world that I am living in. All of my passion for life or for living has ebbed away as I reached the ripe old age of 22.

So today I took action. I walked a path I've walked a hundred times before. In high school I used to walk, every morning, twenty minutes to my best friend's house just so that we could ride the same bus. My bus would have picked me up right in front of my driveway, but then I wouldn't have memories of nirvana, love spell body spray, and Jean's giggle while Beth applied foundation to her lips.

It was cold out, so I wore a tank top. I wanted to be able to feel the bite of the cold. I walked quickly, as I used to do, with my head down, glancing up occasionally to see kids on bikes or a lady walking her dog. I had my camera. I took pictures of plants and the street and my path. It didn't take as long as I thought it would to get there. It didn't take as long as I remembered. Maybe it was the lack of a 30 pound backpack.

At the end of a gravel road I saw a field. It was a corn field, though In February there was no corn , but rather lumpy rows of dirt and grass. I'd walked across that field a hundred times. More. I'd walked through it when it was only dirt, when it was grass and when the corn reached towards the sky. We had played hide and seek in that corn. In that field. I stepped onto it, afraid someone would see and yell at me for trespassing. The sun was sinking low in the sky. I laid on my belly to take a picture of the grass, green and tinted yellow at the tops from lack of rain.

I looked around. A car passed me, and then all was still. No one around. I double checked to make sure. And then I spread my arms wide, face upturned and I spun. I twirled in that field full of memories like a five year old. I felt like a five year old. I felt free and I felt connected. A single star shone above the tree tops and I did something I hadn't done in years. I made a wish.

I walked back home, the sun barely a streak of red in the sky. The world seemed to hold new meaning. I heard every sound, saw every flicker of light, smelled every scent. The world was more vivid and I was more alive.

Wishing on stars

"Star light,
Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may,
I wish I might,
May I have this wish I wish tonight?"




When did I get too old to wish on stars? When did I become so pessimistic and cynical about the world? Even into high school my romantic heart fluttered at the thought of knights in armor, castles, faeries and true love. I used to lie on my bed, in my rose pink room, staring out the window at the miniature roses that bloomed there and think of of the wonderful things the world held for me. I imagined a world full of possibilities where people loved and helped each other. A world full of passion and grace and kindness.

Was it the death of my dreams that prompted my cynical view of the world? When I hurt my ankle in 2004 I not only came to the realization that I could not finish school for musical theater, but I realized that I wasn't good enough to sing professionally and I likely never will be. My love of and passion for music and the entire musical world was damaged knowing that I could not be a part of it.

Was it my broken heart? Realizing that the kind of love that existed in my head did not really exist in real life? Shortly after high school I found myself believing in knights in shining armor. Dark, mysterious, and passion filled relationships where everything always worked out. I wanted to be swept off of my feet with lavish and reckless abandon. I thought I had found that and my heart was shattered. Was this the beginning of my downfall?

Maybe it was simply the act of growing up and realizing that the world is a cold and cruel place most of the time. Yes, there are pockets of compassion, kindness, love, and passion. But no longer did I dance in the moonlight or twirl in fields of flowers. I no longer stood in the rain and shivered in pleasure at the feel of the heavy drops on my skin. These things now seem frivolous next to making sure the power doesn't get cut off or making sure the baby is fed. Maybe I'm simply too exhausted from just living to really enjoy things the way I used to.

Somehow I feel hollow. I have love, I have enough money for semi-comfort, I have family.. and yet I don't feel like I'm feeling love or happiness to it's fullest extent because I've managed to block out my passion and my sensitivity to the world around me. I'm numb to the world. Sure, I get hurt less, but I also live less.

Today is blog for choice day, so if you're pro choice, do your part and let people know.

Pro choice. Pro life. These terms are very misleading.. No one who's pro life is actually saying that people never deserve to have choices and, obviously, people who are pro choice still respect life.

Imagine, if you will, it's a hot, heavy summer night. Crickets sing in the fields just past your house where the grass is knee high and brown from the intensity of the sun. You're sitting on your back porch, thinking about your birthday party. You just turned thirteen and now, you feel, the world is at your fingertips.. you're finally growing up! You hear the screen door creek open as your mom's brother steps out onto the porch. You barely know him, but he's very friendly and likes to laugh. He starts talking to you about growing up, becoming an adult. Maybe you'll want a boyfriend soon. He asks, do you ever look at boys like that? He's touching your knee and suggests a walk in the field. You feel a bond with him.. like your dad maybe.

Congratulations. Two weeks later you find out you're pregnant. Fear, shame, horror. You never told anyone that he raped you, but you have to do something now. Not only do you fear the emotional and psychological pain from carrying a baby that was forced upon you so harshly, but you know there's a risk of deformities and a risk to your own life since you are so young.

This is why I am pro choice. Because I know how emotional carrying a baby is. I know the fear and the anxiety.. and I was actually trying to get pregnant! Yet I spent night after night in tears, wondering how I was going to do this. Can you imagine being raped? Can you imagine fearing for your life because of your age or other physical factors?

I consider myself a moderate pro choice because I don't believe in casual abortion. I think it should be a last resort, depending on circumstances. Rape, incest, danger to mother, or severe physical or mental deformities are all good and valid reasons for terminating a pregnancy. Do I think you should have it done because you just don't feel like it right now? Even if you're otherwise able to carry the child full term? No. I'm a huge supporter of adoption and I hope to adopt or foster someday even though I do want my own children (and already have one).

It's not black and white. It's not all or nothing. It's a complicated issue and a morally heavy one. Abortion isn't anything new.. it's been performed for thousands of years. In ancient greece there was an herb that worked so well for "casting out" children that the plant became extinct. A woman has power over her own body. We carry the child, we experience the pain, we get sick, we hurt, and we give birth... the whole experience is traumatic and painful, not even factoring in depression due to hormone changes or other outside psychological forces.

It's a shame that personal choices and freedoms and, indeed, basic human rights, should be anywhere near the slimy underbelly of the world that is politics, but here in the US it's a common issue and a hot topic for our elected officials. It's important to vote for officials that will uphold human rights because, let's face it, if a woman's freedom over her own body is compromised we will start a heinous backslide. How would you like to be arrested for being gay? Or for having sex in any position except the missionary one? (Oh, please, no!) . Most of society's so called "traditional values" are nothing but hatred and bigotry wrapped in a cross and a pretty bow.

Are you pro choice or pro life? Let me know what you think and why.