I rarely write about my sexuality here because, for me, it was so easy to accept it as part of my life. Unlike most bisexuals I've met, I didn't always know that I was bi. As a child and a teenager I never even considered it- I was straight. I wasn't bothered by the possibility of being something else because it never occurred to me. Like most kids, I was fairly young when I started feeling those flutterings of sexual awareness. No one ever explained to me what they were and for years there were no real thoughts attached to the feelings- no thoughts of boys or girls or anything else, just me and my body, and that was fine.
Meanwhile, in my daily life, I was starting to deal with boys and the classic crushes that came with it (not that I associated sexual feelings with these crushes- I didn't). My first crush (that I remember) was on a boy named Drew. We were in 6th grade and we used to play spaceships on the playground. Maybe my romantic yearnings came from the simple fact that he was nice to me. You see, in 3rd grade I went from being a beanpole, nicknamed "Heather feather" because a strong wind could carry me away, to being one of the fattest kids in school. No dietary changes or changes in my activity level.. just the emerging symptoms of depression and bipolar. So with my weight gain my popularity plummeted- and so did interest from the boys. I've been told that I had several "boyfriends" before that (I simply can't recall).
On Valentine's Day that year I gave Drew a card letting him know how I felt. I watched him open his paper mailbox anxiously. Finally he read mine- he looked at me from across the room, our eyes met.. and he laughed. He laughed long and hard and so did all of his friends. Drew never spoke to me again and, luckily, moved away shortly after. That was only the beginning of my boy troubles though- throughout middle school I was constantly asked out as a joke. I took the bait the first time only- later my mom told me that when he'd called he didn't even know my name. He simply asked for "the brown haired girl". I developed a fear of relationships in general. Throughout high school if someone hinted at having a crush on me I would push them away, get angry, feel embarrassed and avoid them as much as possible. How was I supposed to sort out that I liked girls when I couldn't bring myself to like anyone?
My one relief was the computer. I met and flirted with guys online. It was a safe way to boost my self esteem while keeping any realities that my burst my bubble far away. This tactic backfired in the long run- every time I received a compliment I thanked them while telling myself how wrong they were and mentally listing things they'd say instead if they knew me in person- all insults. I met my now husband online when I was 14 and he was 15. He flirted with me- a lot. I brushed it off. Eventually I sent him a photo- from my 9th grade trip to Orlando with marching band. I was wearing a big floppy safari hat with long wavy reddish hair and awkward glasses.
"So...?" I asked him, "what do you think?"
"Oh.." he replies, "I was expecting someone pretty..."
Immediately I logged off, hurt, my poor self esteem reinforced. After a few minutes I forced myself to log back on and waited.
"Where'd you go? I didn't get to finish my sentence. I was going to say I expected someone pretty... but found someone beautiful"
It was cheesy and sentimental and my embarrassment grew. Again- if he only knew how wrong he was. He visited me in NC from PA the summer before my senior year and, later, through a series of fatalistic events, moved in with me when he became stranded in NC. So this was safe. And I was afraid.
Over the years he insisted that he thought I was bisexual and I insisted I wasn't- not because I thought it was bad, but because I simply didn't think about it. Eventually, once he got me out of my prudish shell and I began watching porn, I felt some stirrings for the women in the videos. I began to question myself silently, but was content to leave it at fantasies. I was sexually shy and repressed and full of fear- it was easy to ignore. It wasn't until I was about 20, living in PA and stopping at the corner store for a couple of groceries that it hit me, full force, when I looked at my cashier. A gut reaction- a powerful pull. I could feel my cheeks flush and I quickly got out as fast as possible.
At that moment I realized that I was indeed bisexual- here was an actual girl that I was incredibly attracted to. And I accepted it. I didn't tell everyone right away, but it took only about 6 months for me to slyly change my orientation on social networking sites and only another few months for me to be able to talk about it openly- not bad for finding out something about yourself that you never realized before.
At times I feel like I missed out on something, on knowing and exploring something about myself that I'll never get the chance to now. I guess I could say that about relationships in general and my obsessive fear is still evident in so many aspects of my life. I may have realized this much sooner were it not for the abuse I suffered by those around me. All the signs were there really- I reveled in compliments from bi girls or lesbian friends, the second I accidentally discovered you can look up porn online when I was 12 I looked at women, and I always felt just a little too giddy around other girls.
I like men and I like women- I'm bisexual and I love it.
