Wishing on stars

"Star light,
Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may,
I wish I might,
May I have this wish I wish tonight?"




When did I get too old to wish on stars? When did I become so pessimistic and cynical about the world? Even into high school my romantic heart fluttered at the thought of knights in armor, castles, faeries and true love. I used to lie on my bed, in my rose pink room, staring out the window at the miniature roses that bloomed there and think of of the wonderful things the world held for me. I imagined a world full of possibilities where people loved and helped each other. A world full of passion and grace and kindness.

Was it the death of my dreams that prompted my cynical view of the world? When I hurt my ankle in 2004 I not only came to the realization that I could not finish school for musical theater, but I realized that I wasn't good enough to sing professionally and I likely never will be. My love of and passion for music and the entire musical world was damaged knowing that I could not be a part of it.

Was it my broken heart? Realizing that the kind of love that existed in my head did not really exist in real life? Shortly after high school I found myself believing in knights in shining armor. Dark, mysterious, and passion filled relationships where everything always worked out. I wanted to be swept off of my feet with lavish and reckless abandon. I thought I had found that and my heart was shattered. Was this the beginning of my downfall?

Maybe it was simply the act of growing up and realizing that the world is a cold and cruel place most of the time. Yes, there are pockets of compassion, kindness, love, and passion. But no longer did I dance in the moonlight or twirl in fields of flowers. I no longer stood in the rain and shivered in pleasure at the feel of the heavy drops on my skin. These things now seem frivolous next to making sure the power doesn't get cut off or making sure the baby is fed. Maybe I'm simply too exhausted from just living to really enjoy things the way I used to.

Somehow I feel hollow. I have love, I have enough money for semi-comfort, I have family.. and yet I don't feel like I'm feeling love or happiness to it's fullest extent because I've managed to block out my passion and my sensitivity to the world around me. I'm numb to the world. Sure, I get hurt less, but I also live less.